一、拼写与语法错误
拼写错误:sevices → 应为 services(在 convenient sevices 中)。
冠词缺失:creates social atmosphere → 应为 creates a social atmosphere(atmosphere 可数,需加 a)。同样,nurturing favourable social atmosphere 也缺少 a。
名词单复数问题:codes of conduct and social norms 中 codes 和 norms 都是复数,但前面 becomes 主语是 respecting the elder(单数概念),逻辑上“尊老”是一种行为规范,应该用单数 a code of conduct and a social norm。我的译文用复数 becomes... codes,主谓不一致且语义奇怪。参考译文用 acting as a widely observed behavioral norm and social principle,单数。
冠词误用:Chinese thoughts and behaviours 中 thoughts 和 behaviours 为抽象复数,不加冠词可以接受,但通常说 thoughts and actions。
用词错误:the elder 应该为 the elderly。英文中 the elderly 是固定说法,表示老年人群体。the elder 通常指“长辈”或“年长者”,但不如 the elderly 正式和常用。通篇多处使用 the elder,应统一改为 the elderly。
表达不自然:canteens of the elder → 应为 canteens for the elderly 或 senior canteens。参考译文用 dedicated senior canteens。
大小写/名词形式:Governments 首字母大写,但这里不是专有名词,用 governments 或 the government(单数指政府整体)。参考译文用 The government has also implemented。
时态不一致:第一句 is rooted... and becomes(一般现在时),第二句 witnesses(一般现在时),最后两句 introduce(一般现在时)。但参考译文最后一句用 serves as(一般现在时),可以接受。不过注意“出台了一系列政策”用 has also implemented(现在完成时)更符合“已经出台”的含义。我的译文用 introduce(一般现在时)不够准确。
介词搭配:a powerful guarantee for the elder's rights → 通常说 guarantee of rights 或 guarantee for the protection of rights,但 for 可以接受。参考译文用 strong safeguards for。
名词可数性:social atmosphere 前面需要冠词,如上所述。另外 favourable social atmosphere 也缺冠词。
二、我对照参考译文发现的翻译不到位之处
“尊老”我的译文:respecting the elder / respecting the elderly参考译文:Respecting the elderly问题:我多次使用 the elder,应改为 the elderly。另外参考译文首句直接以
“深深植根于中国人的思想和行为中”我的译文:deeply rooted in Chinese thoughts and behaviours参考译文:deeply rooted in the thoughts and actions of Chinese people问题:thoughts and behaviours 可以,但参考译文用 actions 更具体。另外 my version 缺少 the,虽然可接受,但参考译文有 the thoughts and actions 更规范。还有 Chinese people 比 Chinese 更明确。
“是人们普遍遵守的行为规范和社会准则”我的译文:and becomes widely observed codes of conduct and social norms(复数,主谓不一致)参考译文:acting as a widely observed behavioral norm and social principle问题:我使用 becomes 与前面 is rooted 并列,但语义上“尊老是一种美德,植根于...,成为行为规范”可以接受,但用 becomes 不如参考译文的 acting as 自然。更严重的是我的复数错误。另外 norms 和准则(principle)也有细微差别。
“在当今的中国,这种美德得到广泛传承”我的译文:In today's society, China witnesses a widespread inheritance of this virtue参考译文:In contemporary China, this virtue continues to be widely passed down问题:我的译文说“中国见证了这种美德的广泛传承”,虽然可以,但主语是 China,且用 witnesses 略显拟人化。参考译文直接说“这种美德继续被广泛传承”,更简洁且贴近原文被动含义。另外 inheritance 通常指“继承(遗产)”,pass down 更准确。
“社会各界”我的译文:Every part of society参考译文:All sectors of society问题:Every part of society 意思通,但 all sectors of society 是标准表达。
“积极营造敬老助老的社会氛围”我的译文:proactively creates social atmosphere of revering and assisting the old参考译文:actively foster a social atmosphere of valuing and supporting the elderly问题:
proactively 可以。
revering 有“崇敬、敬畏”之意,程度过重,原文“敬”用 valuing 或 respecting 即可。
assisting the old 中 old 略显不敬,用 the elderly 或 older adults。
缺少冠词 a:a social atmosphere。
“例如社区专门开设长者食堂,公共场所配置优先座位”我的译文:such as opening canteens of the elder in communities and installing priority seats in public areas参考译文:for instance, communities have established dedicated senior canteens, and priority seating is available in public spaces问题:
canteens of the elder 表达错误,应为 canteens for the elderly 或 senior canteens。
参考译文使用两个并列分句,主动态(communities have established)和被动态(priority seating is available),更灵活。我的译文用 opening 和 installing 两个动名词,虽然可以但略显呆板。
“配置优先座位”我的 installing priority seats 可以,但参考译文 priority seating is available 更地道(seating 不可数,表示座位设施)。
“政府还出台了一系列政策,为老年人的权益提供有力保障”我的译文:Governments also introduce a series of policies to offer a powerful guarantee for the elder's rights and interests参考译文:The government has also implemented a series of policies to provide strong safeguards for the rights and interests of the elderly问题:
Governments 首字母大写且用复数,不合适。用 the government。
introduce 应为 have introduced 或 has implemented。参考译文用 has implemented(现在完成时)。
a powerful guarantee 可以,但 safeguards 更常用(复数,多项保障措施)。
for the elder's rights → for the rights of the elderly 更自然。
“尊老是社会和谐与发展的重要基石”我的译文:Respecting the elder is a vital backbone of social harmony and development参考译文:Respecting the elderly serves as a crucial cornerstone for social harmony and development问题:
backbone 多指“支柱、脊梁”,可以,但 cornerstone(基石)更符合“基石”比喻。
vital 与 crucial 相近,但参考译文用 serves as 更正式。
“有助于培育良好的社会氛围,推动整个社会文明进步”我的译文:which is conducive to nurturing favourable social atmosphere and boosting cultural advancement of society as a whole参考译文:contributing to the cultivation of a positive social atmosphere and promoting social progress and civilization问题:
which is conducive to 较为正式,可以接受。
cultural advancement 误译!原文“社会文明进步”中的“文明”是 civilization,不是文化。我写成 cultural advancement(文化进步)偏离原意。参考译文用 social progress and civilization,正确。
三、词块积累
尊老 → respecting the elderly
传统美德 → traditional virtue
深深植根于 → deeply rooted in
思想和行为 → thoughts and actions
行为规范和社会准则 → behavioral norm and social principle
在当今的中国 → in contemporary China
广泛传承 → be widely passed down
社会各界 → all sectors of society
营造……氛围 → foster a... atmosphere
敬老助老 → valuing and supporting the elderly
便利服务 → convenient services
社会共识 → societal consensus
长者食堂 → senior canteens / dedicated canteens for the elderly
优先座位 → priority seating
出台政策 → implement policies
提供有力保障 → provide strong safeguards
权益 → rights and interests
重要基石 → crucial cornerstone
社会和谐与发展 → social harmony and development
培育良好社会氛围 → cultivation of a positive social atmosphere
推动社会文明进步 → promote social progress and civilization